


I Can Still Not Know

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-04
Updated: 2002-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26442610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: by UluithielCamping at the Woody End, on the way to the Grey Havens
Relationships: Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee
Collections: Least Expected





	I Can Still Not Know

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own these hobbits, they own me

September 21, 1421  
The Woody End

"On September the twenty-first they set out together, Frodo on the pony that had borne him all the way from Minas Tirith, and was now called Strider; and Sam on his beloved Bill. It was a fair golden morning, and Sam did not ask where they were going: he thought he could guess." Return of the King p 307

I'm beginning to guess. But I won't know, not for as long as I can manage not to. And that's not much longer, is it Frodo? Tomorrow is the Birthday, so I'm mortal certain it's old Mr Bilbo we're going to meet. And he's too old and too sleepy to be traveling alone, so people from Elrond's house will be with him. And the folk of Elrond's house wouldn't be coming so far West except to. . .

No. I won't know until I can't help it. Tonight, I can still not know.

I can't help knowing. Your eyes are finally clear of the Shadow, but the blue swirls with grief. It is grief for me, I know. But I won't know, not yet. Tonight, I can still not know.

I unsaddle old Bill, and your pony Strider, the same pony you rode all the way from Minas Tirith. I've brought sausages, and bread, and tomatoes. I won't think, or I will know, so I busy myself with the fire, the food, our blankets. Our blankets, soon to be _my_ blankets . . .

You do not eat much, but I don't chide you. Not tonight. Tonight I there will be no sorrow. Tonight I will know only you.

As the fire burns low I take you in my arms. Is this the last time?

No. I won't know. Tonight I will know nothing but you.

My lips pass over your face slowly, memorizing each curve. When I finally claim your mouth its sweetness brings tears to my eyes. For endless moments we lay with lips together. Together.

I kiss the spot where your shoulder joins your throat, the spot that always makes you shiver so. I press my lips to the cold scar on your shoulder, and my tears warm it. As I move my lips down your body, holding every inch in my memory, I know that I cannot bear it.

Your taste fills my mouth, your cry fills my ears, my tears fill my eyes. Softly, I lave you with my tongue, then I gently slide my leg over your hips to straddle you. This much of you I _will_ have.

As your heat enters me, I feel as if I'd been washed in starlight. I press down, taking in all of you, all of you. My hands slide up your chest and bury themselves in your lovely dark curls, impossibly soft. My tears are falling on your face, mixing with yours and sliding down to drench my hands. I lay my mouth over yours like a prayer and we begin to move.

The movement of your body in mine is like the tides of the Sea. . .no! not the Sea, not tonight.

It is like the first leaves of Spring, bringing life after Winter. Where will I find life again after tonight?

We move together, rocking forever. There is no urgency. Neither of us wants this ever to end. But it will, it must. Oh, Frodo!

My weight rests on my elbows, my fingers laced in your curls, your eyes shining up at me brighter than the Lady's star glass. I cannot bear to think of the darkness I will know when you are no longer in me, when you are no longer with me, when you are gone.

When finally we surge together it is gentle as a breeze, and it lasts as long as a winter sunset. I take you in my arms and cradle you to my breast, lips in your hair that smells of sunlight, arms around you, our legs tangled under the woolen blanket. You sleep, and I watch you, breathing in your scent, laying my face against your skin.

I will not sleep tonight. Not while I can still not know.

> _I stand alone, without beliefs_   
>  _The only truth I know is you_
> 
> Simon & Garfunkel Kathy's Song


End file.
